Suicidal Tendencies in Children - A Perspective.

Taking my discussion, on this new challenge in our society, further, I thought it necessary to examine this phenomenon a little further. This development has its roots, amongst others, in the rapid change our society has undergone and how our lives have changed on the last two decades.

This period is most relevant as the children opting for suicide were born during this time.We may have made tremendous strides in making more money or ensuring a mobile phone for one out of every  two Indians, expanding economic opportunities or have improved our so-called "standards of living". However, in this race, we seem to achieved whatever at a very high cost. The moot question is whether, we as  a society have regressed.

It seems that the stakes have suddenly been upped and it appears that in this life's race, the winner takes it all.
Everybody loves winners and there is a certain glamour attached to these "success stories". Media also does it bit by highlighting crazy placement salaries of a few students from premier engineering and management institutes. All this raises expectations of both students and parents.

Whilst this is not the case in reality, we often fail to recognise that there is no free lunch  in life. Each one has to always pay a price and often that is not visible. It is good to aspire and work hard towards one goal and there is absolutely no harm in that. One does not plan to fail but what happens if  the student,  inspite of best  efforts, is unable to get through. It is at this stage emotional balance of both parents and their children is called into play.

That failure in an exam is not a measure of that child's worth should be understood and clearly communicated and demonstrated through thoughts, words and deeds. That failure is not the end of life and instead can be  a stepping stone for renewed efforts should be drilled in no uncertain terms.

Most students are not suicidal but it is impossible to predict who could be overwhelmed at any point of time and who would take steps towards the edge.

It is possible for a child to equip itself against the uncertainties of life and attain a semblance of emotional balance if their education process begins early - both at home and in school. This pre-supposes that our teachers have the right approach and training and parents have the maturity to be mentors, friends and of course de-stressed parents.


Is this expecting too much???  Can we achieve this state??? If yes, then what needs to be done??? Is this over simplification of the problem??? Do we understand the compulsions of those for whom good education is a passport to a better life away from their daily drudgery???

There are many unanswered questions. It is important that these are discussed in public domain and there is awareness. It may help someone.

Violence - A Virulent Cancer in our Society

Many blogs have waxed eloquent during the Domestic Violence Awareness month. These posts have been written with a lot of feeling and treat this serious problem with a lot of sensitivity and objectivity.

Instances of domestic violence can be gory and one can empathise with the victims living through hell every day of their life.

Activism and retaliation is widely advocated as a means of regaining some sanity in life and a means to lead, hopefully, a normal life. The moot question here is how many would actually take the desperate step of moving out. It may seem so very logical for a distant bystander but does this hold true for the victim and thereby hangs a tale of all silent sufferers.

This phenomenon that has assumed gigantic proportions in our modern day society (not just Indian but I can say for many countries around the world). Psychological counselling is touted as one possible solution but in reality and unfortunately this has very negative connotations here. Further, this sort of help is not easily accessible and it does not come cheap either.

Domestic violence should not be seen only in a physical dimension. It can be mental torture and emotional violence too. Many a time a sense of terror pervades the atmosphere along with physical violence. Unfortunately, violence finds an outlet only against our near-n-dear ones and those weaker than us.

If we look around carefully, there is plenty of repressed violence in us. We seem to be "Highly Inflammable" and ignite at the slightest provocation. Just a small divert - Have you seen the road rage that boils over in the event of a minor collision or the savagery displayed following some minor altercation in a Mumbai local train. Those who give in to such outbursts are not always the "poor" or "lower strata" as we pompously would like to say. They seem economically prosperous, well educated and seemingly very normal. Many others would just bottle up and bang the person who opens the door in the evening.

This build-up in us is the result of so many frustrations that we face in daily life, the stress that we generate and absorb, the struggle to be successful, the battle to survive, the violence that we absorb from sources "stronger" than us sometime for long years of our life and in many cases from childhood, the problems of addictions and its negative impact on family relationships.

This may seem over-simplified (believe me this is not a justification) but the fact is we keep on accumulating garbage over the years till an outlet is found. Usually, this outlet is in the form of violence and abuse in the safe confines of our own homes.

So, what is the solution and how do we go about spreading it on? Is there a standardised answer? Will public shame or punishment help or only aggravate? ........there are so many questions and I am afraid not many have a straight answer.

This is just looking at the perpetrator of violence. It is scary to think about the victims. The unending mystery is why do these victims continue to absorb their daily dose of abuse? I shudder as I try to imagine their life but just cannot fathom their compulsions.

I always believe that our education has only made us literates and never has it taught us about life and how to handle its many ups and downs. We have low EQs and are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.

Till we are at peace within ourselves, no amount of external help or social activism can help. Social activism may stop one type of incidents but give rise to far more dangerous alternatives. Anything that is achieved out of compulsion or fear could ricochet back with deadly effect.

So what do we do????.....

Travails continued....

We left the previous post where the protagonist was undergoing training at a coaching class to appear for various entrance examinations. Objective: to gain admission to an engineering degree course at a "decent" college / institute. Normal ambition of a very normal Indian lad with stars in his eyes and with an above average intellect.

Mind you, all this is in addition to attending college + practicals for the State Board HSC examinations. Now you get an idea of "moving the mountain" phase in the life of a sixteen year old.

Let us see how the year progresses..

Coaching Class:

One thing I missed adding. Sixty students crammed on uncomfortable benches for six - seven hours at a stretch. Hey they are cattle but humans with simple goal in life. But commerce is supreme and an extra dozen students is obviously good for the bottom line.

Life is good. Anyway, there is no guarantee on results and it does not matter whether students pass or fail. Many of these institutes just pay obscene money and some students may be tempted to endorse them.


Examinations:

Mercifully exams are a one day affair but the filling up of examination forms, online / manual submission and getting the examination hall admit card is a trying affair. The whole process is meant to wear your patience thin.

You also have to be lucky to get an examination center near your place of residence or else a twenty - thirty kilometre trudge to the examination centre is guaranteed. The wretched may be allotted an examination centre at Pune / Nashik....and both are atleast 200 kms away.

The list of examinations is also impressively long....IIT-JEE, AIEEE, BITS, Maharashtra CET, Vellore, Coimbatore, Manipal, unaided colleges, and I do not know the rest...as the nephew did not bother about many of them.

Fortunately, there is enough time between two competitive entrance exams. BITS even gives you the flexibility of choosing a date of your choice and it is an online test. You actually leave the place knowing your marks and also, perhaps, whether your fate is sealed or whether there is still hope.


Results Stage:

Yipee....its results time and an end to a long year of hard work...or..is it just the begining of a new tense phase. The toppers and failures are the most peaceful, whilst the "in-betweens" are tossed around like veggies in a salad.

All results are online which means you save face if the results are poor. One can buy half a day by saying access to servers is very slow but not much beyond that.

This settles once for where you are in the rat race. Extended Merit Lists and scores beyond 10,000 means very little scope.


Admissions Stage:

Most likely a student would stand a good chance in multiple institutions and it would be unwise to close the doors on any opportunity just yet.

This means one has to keep track of all schedules running in parallel. This would put any Operation Research specialist to shame.

Online submissions, mock counselling, trial placements, merit lists, counselling lists, first list, second list and so on form part of an elaborate process. I understand this has been streamlined and tweaked over the last couple of years. It is not so much a problem now. Great use of technology...I must say.

Once your name appears in one or more lists, factors like stream allotted, institute and location become important. Ragging is another factor playing on minds and I was wily nily drawn into an animated discussion on this subject.

This phase is currently on and should play itself out in the next two weeks.

More on this as the days pass on. This whole drama that is being played out tends to get more complex every year. There are many questions that arise in my mind and I am disturbed that such an important area has been dealt with in a very lackadaisical way.

India Under Siege – Importance of Emotional Support

We have just come out of a mind numbing and terrifying experience. Our senses have been pounded by the relentless media coverage of an audacious attack on Mumbai.

We had a ring side view to the brutality of the attack and the swiftness and decisive ruthlessness of the response.

Our immediate reaction has been of shock and disbelief. This slowly gave way to anger at the system, anger at our own helplessness and inability to do anything, frustration that we have to put up with this sense of insecurity time and again.

The next stage that we are in, presently, is trying to find out who is responsible for this mess. In India, the natural reaction is to shift our sights and blame the politician. We also observe that many find refuge in being highly cynical.

If you observe closely, it is clear that we Mumbaikars are, at the current moment, on the edge and highly strung. We are all ready to blow-up at the slightest provocation. We are inclined to believe any rumour and all that is worst.

The Mumbaikar is traumatized and emotionally devastated.

There is an urgent need to re-orient ourselves. We have absorbed too much negativity and are jumping around like a cat on a hot tin roof.

We, in Mumbai, can be broadly divided into following categories:

- Who were trapped during these attacks and survived,

- Those of us who lost a friend or relative,

- All residents in the vicinity of the affected areas,

- The rest of us spread out – not directly affected.

There is an urgent need for a cathartic experience which will help every one relieve their pent-up emotions.

We rarely talk about the need for a healthy emotional balance. It is very important and more so in the present context. After all, we do no want to be a brutalized and de-sensitised city, presuming we have not already reached that stage.

I invite fellow bloggers to share their views and it would be nice to discuss some concrete suggestions.

Universal and Timeless Wisdom - Is it relevant today or is it a waste of time?

My last blog featured a letter by Abraham Lincoln to his son’s teacher.

I had read this letter many years back as a student and was struck by its simplicity but did not think too much about it. It came back as a flash yesterday and formed the basis of my blog.

It was very interesting to examine how many of these universal and timeless human values form part of our education system. Further, do these values have any place in our children’s upbringing today?

Without trying to sound cynical or pessimistic, I thought how practical, worldly wise and competitive parents would have written such a letter today.

He will have to learn, I know, that all men are not just, all men are not true and therefore teach him also that it is a big bad world out there; that every Politician is selfish, and there is a dedicated leader... who is only dedicated to his own interests….. Teach him for every enemy there is a friend who is one because it is in his interest to be so,

Steer him away from envy, if you can, but teach him the secret of quietly laughing at others and showing him superior to others.

Let him learn early that it is easy to be a bully and easy to lick the softie good guys. Teach him, if you can, that books are a waste of time... as everything is available on Google and Wikipedia. But also give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and the flowers on a green hillside with an once a year trip to a nature park.

In school teach him it is far more honourable to cheat than fail...
Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, or steal other people’s ideas if he does not have his own even


STOP IT!!!!! I could not continue beyond this as it is getting too negative for my constitution.

Is this reality today? – Yes, sadly though.

Our current times are hurried and intensely competitive. Success at any cost seems to be the motto. Our entire emphasis seems to be on mass producing literates and not on education. I had discussed some of these points in my earlier blog The Mad Annual Ritual.

The, almost manic, need to perform, fetish for perfection, obsession for topping the class and high marks, expensive coaching, crammed schedules, pressure of expectations seem to sum up a child’s journey through their school days.

This is followed by similar excesses in colleges. You juggle with college lectures, coaching classes for multiple entrance exams for professional courses.

Where are we heading? What is all this pressure going to achieve? What is the impact of all this on innocent minds? Does this constant emphasis on achievement create dysfunctional adults later?

These and many similar questions go through my mind.

I have seen enough of life to realize that spectacular success in school – college academic life does not necessarily mean successful human beings. More often than not we get to see very uni-dimensional adults. Such adults normally have low emotional and spiritual quotients and face burn-outs at a young age. It is also not uncommon for many such stars staring at an engulfing emptiness by their mid – late thirties.

I do not claim that I have understood this complex development in our society nor do I pretend that I have the solutions.

However, a few personal observations as a parent

- Stop getting obsessed with marks and ranks. There is more to life than just numbers,

- Do not thrust your unfulfilled ambitions on your children. They are unique individuals and will have their own thoughts, ambitions, likes and dislikes….

- Encourage all round development beyond academics. Let them develop a taste for reading, the arts, music, sports etc.,

- Emphasize on certain eternal values like respect for elders, courtesy, kindness, need to share, need to help, personal discipline etc.,

- Spend both “quantity” and “quality” time with your children. Nothing can justify your absence when they need you most for they will not be there when the world has turned its back on you….(sounds idealistic…it is not. If we try hard enough, there is enough time available),


This is not some quick fix DIY manual, but suggestions distilled out of life. I am sure there can be endless ways in which each one can make this journey of being a parent very rich and fulfilling

The Mad Annual Ritual

Every year the months of March and April witness the great Indian phenomenon called Annual Examinations.

Infact, it will not be out of place to call it the Mad Annual Ritual. Millions of school and junior college students participate in this ritual with a prayer on their lips. I guess many of them would be praying only at exam times.

The whole scene borders on the bizzare with students cramming tons of information only to spill it out in those "eventful three hours" and then to forget it all as quickly. In this whole process one gets to see a whole range of activities, emotions, feelings tightly packed together.

The situation attains immense gravity with parents declaring their expectations. No prizes for guessing, every parent wants their child to excel and top the class. Noble intention but that is the root cause of all problems that tend to follow.

Stress levels skyrocket and often one’s self-esteem is measured by the success one will achieve at the examinations. This is a very heavy burden for any person to carry, leave alone a young student. More often than not there is bliss in surrendering and accepting a lower slot. Many succumb and resort to extreme steps.

When I see the annual ritual being so fanatically played out year after year, I wonder whether we are missing something in life. One has played out this ridiculous game for ten long years in school and in the end has learnt nothing. We have mass-produced literates but probably left them empty and ill prepared to face life.

I believe in academic rigour and the need for good education. I also have nothing against anyone wanting to excel but I think it is high time we do not get obsessed with marks and ranks.

Highest marks do not necessarily mean success (in the conventional sense) in later years. On the contrary one could be dysfunctional in many areas.

We as parents who have seen more of life need to take a practical view. Let us not try to drive our children to despair with our obsessions and queer their natural development. My wife and I on our part have played it cool with our daughters and helped them with their studies whenever they needed it. We have tried to emphasize on all round development and ingrain in them that they must enjoy whatever they do. The next thing was to keep conveying that we value them as human beings rather than the marks that they get.

I see this approach paying off in the long term and they blossoming into emotionally well-balanced human beings. They will carry with them sweet memories of their school and college days and have the satisfaction of having done well at academics also.

It is entirely incidental that both my daughters have consistently excelled at their studies.